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10 Greatest Things about Insurance

28. June 2016 07:50

10 greatest things about insurance

Who doesn’t love insurance? You? Maybe that’s because you’ve been fooled by insurance’s gruff exterior and haven’t taken the time to get to know its quirky, hilarious, giving, supportive, artistic side. But today is Insurance Awareness Day, and I have made it my solemn duty to show the world the REAL insurance.

Get ready to be blown away.

10 Reasons to Love Insurance

  1. The free stuff. Who doesn’t need another coffee mug or keychain or flimsy rope backpack? Insurance companies love reminding us about their existence by giving us gear with their logos, and as a result, I’ll never have to buy myself a stress ball again! #blessed
  2. The anagrams. Did you know you can shuffle the letters in “insurance” to spell “I race nuns?” Also “Scar Ennui.” If that’s not an emo band waiting to happen, then I’m not a desperately bored office employee trying to make my job interesting.
  3. The freedom it gives you. Light that candle. Ride that roller coaster. Miss that deadline.* Whatever happens, you’ve probably got an insurance policy that can pay for the damage!
  4. The sponsorships. Like the NFL? How about Antiques Roadshow, the Olympics, NASCAR, or the PGA Tour? You can thank insurance companies for sponsoring these vital American institutions.
  5. The art. The movie Philadelphia focused on the outcome of an Employment Practices Liability Insurance case. Franz Kafka worked as an insurance officer while he wrote some of his most Kafkaesque stories. And in The Truman Show, Truman Burbank is an insurance salesman. Where would we be without these cultural touchstones, America? I’ll tell you where: in a world where not everyone suspected their life was secretly a TV show and all their friends were in on it.
  6. Um… jobs? About 1.5 percent of the US workforce (that’s 2.5 million people) is employed by the insurance sector. I mean, paperwork doesn’t just file itself, you guys.
  7. The mascots. Flo, Mayhem, the Gecko – if you’ve never enjoyed an ad with at least one of these characters, then I would argue that you don’t have a soul. And if that’s the case, please refer to #6, as there may be some opportunities for you.
  8. Protection from death by excessive laughter. Who among us hasn’t been kept awake at night worrying about this?
  9. That just-got-insurance-so-am-catching-up-on-all-my-weird-symptoms feeling. You know what I’m talking about. The day the health insurance at your new job kicks in so you can make appointments you’ve been putting off to check out that stiffness in your jaw / full-body rash / night sweats and unexplained weight loss / severed fingers issue.
  10. Butts. And legs. And mustaches. And being booooorrrrrn to ruuuuuuunnn. Celebrities didn’t get to the top by NOT buying bizarre insurance policies, and J. Lo, Heidi Klum, Merv Hughes, and Bruce Springsteen all have coverage for their trademark assets.

Usually in the conclusion of a piece like this, I’d reinforce why insurance is the greatest, but I think I’ve pretty much made my point already. In case you have any lingering doubts, please read about Tom Jones’ chest hair insurance. Not because I think it will change your mind, but because if you don’t love insurance by now, I want you to have the image of a 76-year-old man’s chest hair burned into your brain.

 

*Editor’s note: do NOT miss that deadline.

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